by Harold Reynolds

Whoever follows Harold on Facebook or elsewhere knows one thing: He loves wordplays. Over the years he has created an impressive collection with which to entertain — or pester — his opponents on the Diplomacy board. And he's more than happy to share them with you.

For your convenience and general education every pun gets attributed to a single Power in the Crowded variant (borders as in 1914 at the outset of WWI) and classified as follows: Great (Power), Neutral (Dot) and Impossible, I mean, Impassable. Is that a pun?


Austria"Budapest? Not at all! He's the nicest guy I know!"
AustriaIf a crow were to eat me, would you say to me "A Croatia"?
AustriaI haven't eaten for a day! I'm really Hungary!
Austria"The Czech capital's economy will grow this year" is a good Prague-nosis.
AustriaRobert keeps going on and on about his vacation to Prague. I wish that he would keep his enthusiasm in Czech."
AustriaThe opposite of Fastvakia is Slovakia.
AustriaMy Geography prof has gone crazy. He has a Split personality.
AustriaVienna you going to finish this Geography test?
England"Where are you going?" "Albion the roof putting on new shingles."
EnglandWe will have to use all our cunning and all Argyll to get around the Scottish tax laws.
EnglandIn Bath, everything comes out in the wash.
England"Bill wants the report now!" "OK, I'll get it to Belfast."
EnglandI'll only take a Cardiff I know it will give me better than three of a kind.
EnglandThe Irish city of Cork is really "into" making wine bottles.
EnglandWhen one makes a barrier from sacks of corn, one makes a Cornwall.
EnglandThis Irish city has the best milk, cheese and butter: Derry.
EnglandThe Irish economy should always be in good shape, since its capital is always Dublin.
EnglandScottish Geographer counting: "... two, three, four, Fife,..."
England"I dropped my Geography textbook!" "Well, bend Dover and pick it up!"
EnglandA transparent silica bovine: Glasgow.
EnglandIreland is the geographical opposite of Lowerland.
EnglandMy Geography prof Leeds a double life.
EnglandEngland has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
EnglandWhen finished a lecture, Professor Lund says "London."
EnglandOne way to find out the news is by Reading the newspaper.
EnglandPunsters like the Scilly Isles best of all.
EnglandA tart in the Hebrides is a pie in the Skye.
EnglandDescribing the placement of objects: Somerset here and the rest were put over there.
EnglandA weird painting of the English countryside might be described as Surrey-al.
EnglandWe can paint the room together. You stir the white paint and Ulster the red paint.
EnglandWhere in Wales will you find a church organ all decked out in sequins, ruffles and feathers? In the Vale of Glam-organ.
EnglandThe boy cried so much he was called the Prince of Wales.
EnglandAn example of bad geography grammar: worse, Worcester, worstest.
EnglandYork kids are d-doing well in speech c-class.
France"I cannot sass you for even one second?" "No! Alsace is forbidden!
FranceIt is difficult to keep a-Brest of all the new developments in Geography.
FranceDo you prefer drinking beer from Cannes or from bottles?
FranceCan a general become world-famous? Of Corsican.
FranceA French girl can be a Nice, but never a nephew.
FranceA French smartass is a Oise guy.
FranceIn poker, a Paris two of a kind.
FranceHardy wanted to be selected for the trip to northern France, so he shouted "Picardy!"
FranceWas the city of Rouen left in a shambles after World War II?
FranceA geographer's favourite type of car is a Sedan.
France"Somme Like it Hot" is a classic movie starring Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis and Marilyn Monroe.
France"Your Citroen will be ready next week." "No, that is Toulon to wait!"
FranceGo on, take the Geography of France course. What have you got Toulouse?
GermanyA Cole Porter favourite of geographers is "Danzig in the Dark".
GermanyThe Kiel keeps a sailing ship from tipping over.
GermanyWhen selecting Charles and Nick, the prof said, "You, Charles and Munich."
GermanyA geographer who writes odes is an Oder.
GermanyIt seems that all politicians are doing these days is Posen for pictures.
GermanyWhere would you be if you blocked a river with three huge Dutch ovens? Potsdam.
GermanyAfter winning the lottery, the German geography prof went on a spending Spree.
GermanyGerman Q-Tips are made in Swabia.
Germany"Do you hurt real bad?" "Yeah, I'm Aachen all over."
GermanyKinky German geographers go for Essen M.
Italy"Hey, dude, what's Apennine?"
ItalyIf you get stuck, Apulia out of the mud!
ItalyAll I want is a Pisa the action.
ItalyIs the capital of Italy a good place to Rome around?
ItalyThe "great red gem swindle" became known as the Rubicon.
ItalyWhere to find the best sardines. Sardinia.
ItalyMy sister wants to balance an atlas on her nose while juggling three globes? Boy, is Sicily!
Italy"We caught Mr. Burr here stealing our Geography texts." "Well, Tiber up until the police get here."
ItalyOne goes to Turin to change direction.
ItalyFred is ten minutes late! Venice he going to show up?
Russia"Because you students have been getting bad grades, Azov now you will be getting more homework!"
Russia"Russia won't let me take Sevastopol!" "Yeah? Well Crimea River!"
Russia"Did Estonia?" "Yes, bad boy Johnny threw rocks at me again."
RussiaThe witch's evil Kursk made it impossible to pass Geography.
RussiaMy downtown apartment is great! I Livonia few minutes from work!
RussiaA bovine sculpture made from entirely from moss is a Moscow.
RussiaThe Russian port city with lots of male sea folk is Murmansk.
RussiaWhat is the best way to Riga election?
RussiaDon't be hasty! Fools Russian where angels fear to tread!
RussiaA downpour of ukeleles could only occur in Ukraine.
RussiaThe Polish Pun Situation went from badda to Warsaw.
RussiaDon't challenge a geographer to a boat battle. Helsinki for sure.
Turkey"What did Anna tell me?" "Anatolia to meet her at two o'clock."
TurkeyIt is generally not a good idea to Ankara boat until the engine is turned off.
TurkeyWe are the Caucasus Maniac Society. Armenia for today is puns.
TurkeyDuring "Role Reversal Day", the boss can be ordered around. For example: "Bosporus all a cup of coffee."
TurkeyDo people in Istanbul eat Turkey sandwiches?
Turkey"What Izmir doing?" "Mir is going to kill the guy who writes these puns."
TurkeyThe Cyprus tree can be found in the swamps of Florida.


BalkanWhere are chimes rated? Belgrade.
Balkan"Does the Bosnia Tylenol?" "Yes, the boss has a big headache after that meeting."
BalkanReading an illegal book can lead to the so-called "Bucharest" by the Thought Police.
BalkanThe "Greek Cement Swindle" soon became known as the "con-Crete".
BalkanI don't want an argument. I'll be much happier if he a-Greece with me.
BalkanThe island of Rhodes is known for its scenic highways.
BalkanWhen people go nuts about rowing, it's called Romania.
BalkanSign at the salad bar: "Serbia self."
BalkanNicky asked "Where do Greeks get their hair done?" My response: "At Thessaloniki."
BalkanWhat kind of dinosaur can you find in Albania? A Tiranasaurus Rex.
LowlandA good city to buy gerbils, mice and guinea pigs is Hamsterdam.
LowlandAs concrete dries, it Ardennes.
Lowland"That map of Belgium belongs to Russel?" "Yes, it's Brussels map."
Lowland"I walked 10 km to meet you!" "Wow, Utrecht a long way!"
Norway"That ball is a clock!" "Yes, I hear the Baltic too."
NorwayFirst mark all these Geography tests, Denmark the labs.
NorwayEgypt and Denmark have something in common. In Egypt, the Pharaoh ruled for as far as his eye could see - the Pharaoh Eye-Lands. Denmark controls the Faroe Islands.
NorwayThere's Norway I can do 100 geography questions for tomorrow.
NorwayStealing candy from a baby? I never thought he'd sink Oslo as that.
NorwayThe Norwegian robot analyzed a bird, i.e. It Scandinavian.
NorwaySugar is added to Sweden your coffee.
SpainWhen you run the race I'll stand at the side and Algeria on to victory.
SpainWhat the Geographer said when he woke up bald. "Aragon!"
SpainDo this homework now, lest Iberia under tons later.
SpainIf Macbeth had been in Spain, his final challenge would have been: "Leon Macduff! ...". If in France, "Lyon, MacDuff!"
SpainLiz opened a Portuguese bread shop, calling it the "Lisbon".
Spain"My husband Rocco is getting fat!" "I guess there's Morocco to love."
SpainJames Bond movie set in Spain: "Never say Navarre again".
SpainA group of mountaineers has three sets of knees, their left knees, their right knees and their Pyrenees.
SpainThe Spanish Seville War was a nasty affair.
Spain"Where does Fred hurt?" "Fred's Spain is in his lower back."
SpainI don't know how to Tunis piano. I'll get a pro to do it.


EuropeGeography meets baseball: "Hey, you! Europe next at bat!"
SwitzerlandDoes the city of Basel have a lot of men named Herb?

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